


His Burden

by DreamyCloud1



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Anger, Angst, F/M, Gen, Graphic Depictions of Illness, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, Surgery, Violent Screaming, hurt!Victor, injuries, ooc victor, super ooc
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2017-12-25
Packaged: 2018-08-27 21:12:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,135
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8416885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DreamyCloud1/pseuds/DreamyCloud1
Summary: Victor and Yuri get into a fight. What happens because of that, Yuri feels, falls on him. With Yuri blaming himself how will he cope with what has happened to Victor?





	1. The Fall

**Author's Note:**

> Just an idea I got from a friend. Took it an ran with it! 
> 
> Like always, hope you enjoy!
> 
> More tags to be added as we go along, so stay tuned.

It was a normal day at the rink for Yuri. Stretch, exercise, stretch again, practice his program with Victor, break, practice. All was going well but Yuri started lolling off in the middle of the day.

It's not that he thought Victor was boring, more so that he hadn't been getting much sleep because he stayed behind extra hours to practice his routines. He envied Victor, looked up to him, idolized him but he also wanted to be allowed to work on harder moves. He had already done the same spins and jumps over and over. Lutz, triple Axel, Toe Loops the list was endless. Ever since he came back from his big loss he had done nothing but practice them. Yuri wanted, no needed to get better. Skating was his life, the only thing he could express himself through and even then he lacked confidence. He knew that but his weight, and how average he was stopped him from believing he could do anything.

* * *

 

"Yuri, did you hear that?" A voice whispered from beside him, coming back into focus Yuri realized that Victor was right in his face again. He could feel his breath against his ear. Yuri jumped in surprise and began to back away. Realizing Victor knew he wasn't listening was even worse and talking would just dig a bigger hole for himself so Yuri stayed silent, a knot forming in his throat. He turned to run before Victor could get him into another helpful gay cuddle but realized to late there was only a wall behind him. 'Cornered.' Yuri thought and turned to face Victor and yet he knocked their heads together with a loud 'THUD' that echoed across the otherwise empty and silent room. Grateful for the space it made when Victor stepped back in surprise Yuri escaped the trap.

"I'm so sorry! Sorry, sorry sorry sorry." That's all Yuri could say before a hand fell on his chin, lifting his head up to meet Victor face-to-face. A giant blush fell over Yuris' cheeks.

"Did you hear me Yuri?"

"Ah-"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk. You can never hope to pass Yurio if you don't listen." Something in Yuri lit up, he got silently and still. The air got thin and tense. Victor knew he said something wrong when Yuri didn't have a cute retort.

" _No_." Yuri said so quietly and low that you couldn't hear it unless you strained. " _No, I will never pass Yurio if you don't teach me better moves, im ready. I have been for weeks._ " Yuri paused.. hesitant and continued. " _I want you to teach me quad lutz._ " Victor just shook his head as if he was talking to a child.

"You aren't ready yet, you'll only get hurt if you try and you wouldn't want that." Was all he had to say before he turned out toward the ice to show Yuri what he had been refering to before.

" ** _I AM! I AM READY VICTOR AND HAVE BEEN FOR WEEKS, I HAVE TRAINED AND WORKED HARD TO BE READY TO DO A QUAD LUTZ_**." Yuri exploded, all the rage from the past weeks and Victor constantly treating him like a child exploded out and became words. " _ **STOP TREATING ME LIKE A CHILD AND JUST SHOW ME.**_ "

Victor turned at once on his heels, venom in his gaze uncharacteristically. " _Fine, if you really want to learn quadruple lutz then I will show you_." He hissed like a viper and took off for the ice as Yuri to his place on the side of the rink. He skated for a few seconds and then sped up. On the beginnings of the jump he knew he made a mistake, he completed the quad but his landing foot gave out under him not ready for the force he used when landing. His knee gave out and he landed instantly knowing he broke his kneecap. Pain shot through him as he skidded across the ice. His cry of pain echoed through the rink. The only thing that could be heard was his screams of anguish.

As Yuri looked out, even he could tell someone was off on the takeoff for Victor. Fear spread through him faster than ever and engulfed his anger into a pit of nothingness. Everything happened in slow motion, he saw the moment Victors knee gave out. The sickening 'CRACK' it made as it broke and the terror he felt as Victor flew across the ice. Somewhere in the back of his mind Yuri was thinking along the lines of 'It was me, I made him do a quad lutz, he got hurt because of me.' Though in the moment all he could do it unwillingly let a scream rip through his throat, turning it raw and red as he basically ran on the ice to Victor. It was surreal, as if it never happened. A bad dream. He skid on his knees a quarter of the way. "Victor, please be okay. VICTOR." He screamed to the man, praying he be okay despite knowing he was anything but. Victor mumbled something and Yuri got down lower to hear. "C-" Gibberish. "Ho-it-l." He got out barely, tears streaming down his face that was contorted in pain. Yuri understood but realized he didn't have his phone on him. "NISHIGORI!" He screeched. "HELP! HELP!" Yuri screamed until his voice gave out. Immediately 5 more people filled into the rink and as soon as they saw Yuri over Victor the ambulance was called.

To Yuri time was both slowed and sped up. All he could think about was getting Victor to a hospital. The ambulance was at the rink in 3 minutes but it also felt like 3 hours to Yuri. When they arrived Yuri refused to leave his spot laying over Victor so he was moved with Victor. They were at the hospital in less than 15 minutes and Victor was at surgery in less than 25. It would have been sooner but they had to peel Yuri off of him to get to surgery. The whole time during surgery Yuri did nothing but decide it was his fault, how the strongest skater he had ever known got injured was because of him. If Victor got injured then how would he ever be able to do any quads? How would he be able to compete? Without his coach and mentor, how would Yuri set up. How could his life go on with skating how could-

"Mr. Katsuki... Mr. Katsuki, your friend will be okay. He is unable to put any weight on his foot for 2 1/2 months but afterwards he should be better, and up to walking. He is ready to go home tomorrow at the earliest but we have some things to say. For now you can go visit him if you wan- Mr. Katsuki where are you going?" Yuri couldn't put up with seeing Victor right now. Facing him and having to face the fact that it really was his fault Victor got hurt. He didn't even know if Victor could come back from this and skate. He might have just ruined his career. Yuri couldn't face anyone right now. He needed to be left alone to think about his actions. That's exactly what he planned to do.


	2. His Bargain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens to Yuri after Victors fall?

There were times in a persons life when they couldn't function. The world seemed to pass by, like a swirling storm that engulfed them to carry them away. When you landed you needed someone else there with you or you fell into a pit of darkness that could overwhelm you and make you do irrational things.

 

* * *

 

'Yuri...'

'Yuuuuuri~'

'YURI!" 

Suddenly Yuri was awake and alert, a tremor passing through him. Mito was in front of him - shaking him - with Makkachin beside her. "The doctor says you can go visit him now." Yuri gave her a confused and dazed look before what happened last night came rushing back with full force. It made him sick to think of and it was even worse knowing what could happen to Victor. The crack of bone, their fight. The way Victor screamed until his throat was raw and red. How bad it looked as he skidded across the ice. He jumped to the nearest trashcan and threw up everything he had since yesterday afternoon, thankfully it wasn't much. 

He left Mito to go clean himself off in one of the bathrooms, what he was met with in the mirror was not Yuri Katsuki and instead a copy of himself that looked older, tired, and disgusting. His hair was disheveled, bags under his eyes, and a puffy redness around his eyes where he sobbed into Victor's chest and hadn't stopped until he fell asleep. How would he live with himself knowing he possibly destroyed not only Victor Nikiforov but his friends skating career. After throwing up again he left the bathroom and wondered the halls until he found himself standing at the door of one Victor. Yuri thought about leaving but knew that it wouldn't be any easier and he wanted to be the first one to know. Had to face what he let happen. He felt like he was lower than human. Sure he had fought before with people but he all but pushed Victor to get onto the ice. He was the one who wanted to learn the lutz. He's the one who insulted Victor, the man who was teaching him and his friend. He was so angry and he just wanted to not be treated like a child. Instead he acted like a fool, a complete jerk, and he made Victor get on the ice. He was a waste of space, why and how would Victor want to look or know him after what he did?

Anxiety built up in him, his knees shook as he stepped through the door. Yuri isn't sure what he expected, tubes coming from all over him, hooked up to every machine known to mankind? Blood? All he was met with was Victor's tuff of white hair poking out from under the covers, while his knee was propped up. The sight made it so much worse, it looked like a simple sprain as if nothing had been wrong in the first place. It made it seem serene, it was anything but. It's as if they were trying to mock you by making life and your accidents seem as if they never happened, as if it wasn't as bad as it really was.

"V-v-vvictor?" Yuri said so quietly, a quiver in his voice as if he would burst into tears any second. He hated himself, what he did was unforgivable and he shouldn't even be here but somewhere he wanted Victor to forgive him, wanted it to all be a dream and a funny prank. It wasn't. The reality hit Yuri like a truck and he let out a sob. 

 

"What do you want, Yuri?" Yuri stopped dead, that was a voice Victor had never used on him. It was filled with regret and was malevolent at the same time. 

 

"T-they said I c-c-could see you? H-how's your kn-knee?" Yuri sniffed back the tears threatening to pour out. 

 

"They were wrong. My kneecap was busted." Victor got quieter as he talked. "Completely shattered. I had to have a metal one put in its place." Yuri waited with a bated breath, as tears rolled down his face in fat drops. 

"Yuri they told me I could never skate again." Victor turned around and tears streamed down his face. The handsome and charming prince of the ice wept as his life went down in one fell swoop. "I picked myself up so many times using ice skating. I-I don't kn-know how to live without it Yuri. I built myself up walls using my charm and I had no one. Then I found you. Someone who changed me so completely. After you won the GPF I was going to propose, damn the rules."

 

He was so silent that China could hear his next words. "Yuuri~, this runs deeper than my knee. I-I don't think we can continue on like this. I'm resign---" Yuri never got to hear his last words as he was out cold on the floor, crumpled like a sack of potatoes. The only thing he remembered how sad Victor sounded when he said Yuuri~ in that singsong tone of it. It was so short and filled with so much sadness. Shock set in so fast he almost got sick but was out before he could. Yuri's head hit the floor and cracked, something he would feel later. Something to remind him he was alive when he finally had no one.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so, so, so, so sorry it's as short as it is. I know a lot of people wanted a longer update but sooner and I couldn't do that with Midterm's coming up so I opted for a short chapter that moved the plot along. 
> 
> Also I didn't know what to do with the story or where it was heading, so it was a bit harder. After this though I have a good idea of how this is going to unfold. 
> 
> Note: Chapters will be almost non-existant for about a week or two but then I promise i'll set down and finish this.


	3. Broken and Lost

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuri has to come face to face with his number one enemy.. himself. As well as Victor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Depression is serious, if you have depressive thoughts or suicidal actions please call someone to help you. Even if it doesn't seem like it there are people who do care and want you to be safe and happy. 
> 
> US Hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> UK Hotline: 116 123

Yuri heard voices, very faints voices that seemed a million miles away. They sounded so familiar but he couldn't tell.. why? “ _ Did he really resign as his coach? _ ” 

 

“ _He’s in shock._ _He needs us more now than ever._ ” 

 

“ _ I won’t give up on him. _ ”

 

The voices dribbled on but Yuri couldn’t make out anymore and slipped back into unconsciousness. The next time this happened the voices became clearer he could make out Mila’s voice by his ear telling him it’d be okay. Phichit was there wishing him to get well, he even heard Otabek and a voice that sort of sounded like Yurio mumbling about something or another. Eventually the voices blended together and Yuri was out again. 

 

This time however, was different. Yuri opened his eyes and it was dark, all the previous times he woke up he noticed it was bright, blinding almost so much so that he couldn’t keep his eyes open. Now it was night and the room was bearable to see in. Yuri had to wonder how many days he had been out that his eyes were averse to light, he tried to count by the times he had woken up and vague mentions of dates. He was pulled roughly out of his thoughts by a gruff, almost worn out voice that didn’t have the enthusiasm and joy it usually did. 

 

“Are you awake? They said you might be soon, guess that’s why they wanted me to come in so abruptly.” Yuri’s eyes shot up as he pulled himself up on the bed. He barely noticed how drowsy he had become because he eyes began to focus on the lithe figure in front of him whose silver hair seem to illuminate in the moonlight. 

 

“Victor. Victor what..” The words died on his tongue as the moonlight reflected ever so subtly off the tears that Victor tried to hide. It hurt Yuri inside to see Victor upset, he knows he caused it and he knows it’s his fault he lost the most important person in his life. He couldn’t believe it. 

 

“They. They want me to.. To apologize. As if i’ve done something wrong. Don’t they understand? You.. you ruined my career. I trusted you and what did you do with it? You push me too far.” Yuri couldn’t understand what Victor was saying. He knew it was his fault but Victor had never acted this way toward anyone, no matter what. He must have really screwed up. Why was Yuri even allowed to be here? He just continued to mess up the lives of everyone around him. 

 

“Victor i’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I-” Yuri broke out into tears, his face buried in his arms. He couldn’t be strong, not in front of Victor. He didn’t deserve an apology. He is the reason Victor is unhappy, the reason he won’t ever be able to skate again. He took Victor’s one source of happiness and ruined it. 

 

“Don’t belittle me with your apologies. You.. you don’t mean it. You  **WANTED** me to be unhappy. You did this to make yourself feel  **BETTER** . Did you think I don’t know you did this to me on purpose? Got me all.. All worked up. Made me step out of the jump yeah. You  **NEEDED** me gone, why? Why did this  **HAPPEN** ?   **YURI KATSUKI YOU RUINED MY LIFE DAMNIT. I WISH YOU’D GO TO HELL.** ”

 

Victor kept getting louder and louder and by the end of his rant he was screaming the sentences. Yuri’s cries being drowned out by the sound of anger. Through the door rushed Phichit and Celestino, grabbing Victor and literally dragging him across the ground to get him out of the room and nurses rushed to help. All Phichit could do was tell Yuri to hold on and he’d be back to talk once Victor was under control. 

* * *

 

Suddenly the room was dark and silent again, the only light being the rays of the moon shining through the curtains and the only sound being the remaining sobs and wracks of Yuri’s body shaking with shock. All Yuri could think about how right Victor was. The world began to seem like it was closing in on them. Breathing got harder and all that drummed through Yuri’s mind was how much he failed Victor. How much he looked up to him and how his life was truly worthless if Victor said it was. He ruined someone else’s life, so did he really deserve to keep his? 

 

He didn’t realize he was moving out of bed, his legs gave way but he didn’t seem to be aware. He just pulled himself up with his IV machine and made his way over to the drawer. Yuri was just going through the motions as he had many times before while the thoughts he was having continued to wrap around him and seem like they were constricting his chest. He had a pair of scissors open and already moving down his arm. The pain hitting him and causing tears to prick at the edge of his eyes and fall down like waterfalls. He deserved this, the pain he inflicted to others he deserve to receive 10x worse. He pulled the scissors down his other arm, trying to curl away from the pain but forcing his arm to stay down and endure the punishment he was owed. He pulled them across his legs and chest, some quick and light, others deep and seemingly slow. 

 

In total the event took a minutes thirty to contain Victor enough for Phichit to get back into the room to talk to Yuri. In that time Yuri had made his way to the scissors and had made multiple lacerations over the entire front of his body. He started to passed out mere seconds before Phichit came in the room, blood pooled over him from his cuts and from his wrist where he had pulled his IV out on the fall. Phichit let out a high pitched scream, called for someone to come help. The sounds of footsteps was all Yuri heard before he fell unconscious. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Merry Christmas to everyone who celebrates! If you don't celebrate Christmas then I hope you're having a good time with the holiday you do celebrate.


End file.
